Facebook. What a wonderful addiction. For anyone who has thought about jumping into a new obsession, then facebook is ready for you. There were moments where I said, “I’m only going to log in and check for any messages.” 2 hours later I find myself feeling more guilty than a religious teen who just masturbated. People are so willing to lay their lives out to the public to say, “Hey look at me! This is my attempt at making my mundane existence all the more exciting because people can SEE that I just went to Costco. No one has to assume anymore.” This must be a gift from God.
While I waste my time spending hours looking at pictures of 238 “friends” and their friends, I’ve come to certain conclusions:
Statements of the obvious run rampant on this facebook platform.
Facebookers lack an originality that can be mundane but will still suck you in for hours. Similar to any reality tv out there. (How many times can you watch a spoiled girl throw a temper tantrum? Answer: so many.) But honestly, who would have guessed that at 8 in the morning on a Monday, someone might be tired? Well guess no more my friends, they will tell you. Or on a Friday, you may check your feed to find that 7 of your friends stated, “Ready for the weekend!” Thank you, 7 “friends”, for such exclamations.
Dead Ends & Awkward Town
Example of a Facebook conversation, or a faceonversation
Status of Person A: Ready for the weekend!
Bridget Says: Me too
Person A Says: I’m excited to not work.
Bridget says: Yeah, yeah, me too
Person A Says: Cool man, it’s been a long time we should get together or something
Bridget Says: You’re right man, it has been a long time
Person A Says: Do you remember Mrs. Appleton? I think she just retired.
Bridget Says: For sure! I learned how to write in cursive in her class. Wow. That was a long time ago. How have you been since then? You still 4’1”, boogery and bringing peanut butter and banana sandwiches for lunch?
Person A Never Responds
People have lost the ability to use proper grammar
- Mike is was at a concert last night
- Kelly is can’t believe what she just saw
- Brianne is what is going tonight?
Erase the f***ing “is”!! You can do it. Really. I’ve done it myself.
When you get frustrated with people’s use of grammar in their status, you know you’re spending too much time on Facebook.
See previous point
I haven’t quite figured out facebook etiquette yet.
I reached out to an old high school chum of mine, Olivia, to ask her about a person we may know from high school theatre. Olivia never responded. Is it ok to get a little peeved that she didn’t write back even though we haven’t spoken since 1999? Olivia was always super popular and super privileged and her parents paid for her to go to the best college, live in the best part of the city so that she could live her dream. Now I see pics of her on facebook and she’s still oh so funny and witty and look at that 35th goofy face of hers. Wow her goofy face pictures are so funny and evenmoreso, abundant. Oh there you are in Dubai, Olivia. Wow, you travel a lot and are so funny and have the chance to live your dream because money was never an obstacle for you. I bet she just didn’t have time to write me back. She probably has like 800 friends cause she’s so popular. I mean I bet that’s it.
Living in the past
All the demons you had with people from your past will surface and then haunt you and you’ll feel like you are 16 again and then you’ll be pissed at yourself cause you clearly aren’t 16 and haven’t you evolved at all and you should probably get off facebook for a minute to at least stand up or something.
There are a boatload of Facebook observations I could share but I have to go check my Facebook page right now. I’m getting a withdrawal tick.
Bridget says it’s Saturday! Yay!
(See how I erased the “is”?)
