In preparation for my pending nuptials, I have been spending a dedicated amount of time at the gym. And by dedicated amount, I mean 2 times a week unless I want to eat drumstick ice cream snacks and watch mindless TV. But for the times I spend at the gym, I understand more and more – Gym People.
It must be a pre-requisite that when you sign a gym contract, you sign under the small print that says, “By signing this contract, I hereby retract any common courtesy, personality, eye contact with other human beings, smiles or anything beyond an accidental Mona Lisa smirk and general humble stature.” But because no one makes eye contact, it is easier to stare at all the strange creatures that crawl into said gymnasium.
- There are the skinny girls who you only see on the elliptical with their head phones on and words of wisdom written on their ass cheeks, like “Hawks” or “Juicy” or “Pen-15” or “I Must Hate Myself” or “Fug-Nut”. (I still haven’t figured that one out.) They must sweat.. but I never see their purposely messed up pony tail look messy unpurposefully. But whatever, I mean, if I could have legs like Beyonce, I would just die.
- There are the first generation, ESL folks who spend a majority of their gym time in the weight room. They are serious about their weights and they are serious about wearing jeans while doing it. They give me stares in which I cannot decide if it’s a womanizing thing or if it’s a “why is this skinny chick with Fug-Nut across her ass lifting weights when she should be running or something,” kinda thing.
- There are the folks who look like normal everyday people and just want to keep themselves healthy by going to the gym. They seem like they would be cool, but because they have a gym membership, they signed away their right to have a personality. Q: “You using this machine?” A: (GRUNT.) Thank you.
- Then there are the phone talkers at the gym. Guess what? No amount of time spent on any of these high-tech, television-ready, treadmills will burn off your douche-baggery. Go home. (see that? This attitude brought to you by my gym membership.)
There are so many others but I don’t want to spoil it for you. You should really see it for yourself. Ok, ok, one more! Setting: the women’s locker room. One woman was getting totally naked next to me and out of the corner of my eye I see a sparkly rhinestone shining from what was either her upper lip or the side of her naked breast. I never looked over to really find out for fear of being THAT person. Then, as I was leaving, I saw a middle aged woman laboriously squeezing the blackheads on her face. Gotta love it. People have no shame when they’re in the process of trying to look good. Is this what all of L.A. is like inside AND outside the gym??
So when people tell you that the gym is about getting healthy, they are only telling you half of the story. The other half is an exquisite study in sociology.
