“Your honor, the plaintiff would like to dismiss Ms.TheBridge as a juror.”
That is what I was told as I was sitting in the hot seat of the jury panel. First row, first seat, but just like any sports team for which I tried out, I was cut. This would be the closest I’d ever come to serving my country. And just like a majority of Americans in my demographic, I did it well by sitting on my ass and making excuses.
Being selected for jury duty was an interesting experience. I received a notice in the mail that said I was “summoned”, a word I thought reserved for spiritual callings or harem selections. Apparently I had forgotten about the very legal definition that is used in our civil system to say, “If you don’t do this, we’ll find you and fine you and make this process so annoying you’ll wish you just showed up (tongue sticking out).”
So I did, in fear of what the government would do to me. I showed up and masked my arriving due to fear with an arriving due to MY CIVIC DUTY! I am an upstanding citizen with a semi-upstanding desire to do well by the red, white and blue! The process is similar to how one might imagine it. You are put into a big bull pen of a room with one giant clock on the wall that serves to constantly remind you of how much time you are spending not doing the things you need to do.
After waiting for an hour, we were shown an orientation video about serving on a jury. Judge Timothy C. Evans, Chief Judge of the Circuit Court of Cook County gave us some valuable information (most of it common knowledge if you’ve ever seen Law and Order, CSI, Judge Judy or My Cousin Vinny). However, I was told that if I hear something in court that renders a strong reaction, “You must not express emotions in anyway while serving as a juror.” I guess I should have remembered that when the judge asked me if there was anything that would hinder my ability to give a fair trial and I started balling, “I just don’t know judge (gasps for air)… I’ve been so emotional lately and I’m not sure why. I mean what would you do if your best friend called you and said you were like really bitchy and stuff lately and you know it’s only because you’re so jealous of her and her husband’s rampant success with their fishing boat business?.”
So that’s not exactly what happened, but when you aren’t allowed to show any emotion whatsoever, you start to create crazy scenarios in your head. Especially when you’re waiting forever for the lawyers to vet this potential juror who is clearly trying to get out of jury duty by saying he has a loss of memory. Just get rid of him already. He’s reading a Danielle Steele novel. That should tell you enough shouldn’t it?? I must say that I could have refrained from saying the things I needed to say in order to remain on the jury. But it slipped. Whoops. The person who is being sued has big financial investments in the place that keeps me employed. Did I just say that? Why no judge, that won’t hinder my ability to give a fair trial. (it really wouldn’t) But the plaintiff heard that and I was gone faster than a molten lava cake from Chili’s when I eat it really fast. I also told the judge that my niece was involved in a lawsuit of when she fell on a dysfunctional piece of furniture and it left her with a scar. EXCEPT, I forgot to mention the lawsuit part (one of the pre-existing questions they ask as a juror). So basically I just told the judge a story about my niece, wasting everyone’s precious time. “So, did you just want to tell me that so I’d know?” the judge asks sarcastically. I blush and laugh and pee myself a little, “Yeah, I guess.”
Maybe they didn’t dismiss me because of my relation to the defendant. Maybe they dismissed me because I’m a totally friggin’ idiot sometimes.
