Legend has it that if you’re a good little boy or girl you get presents under the tree from Santa. Legend also has it that if you’re a bad little boy or girl, you get coal in your stockings. Apparently Santa has picked up the art of giving mixed signals because this year I got presents under the tree and a pile of charcoal … on my back porch.
This picture would lead me to believe that Santa couldn’t get in through the chimney or find the key to get into the apartment so he decided to crush my spirit by leaving a pile full or charcoal on my porch. Times are tough, even for the bad kids, you don’t get regular coal anymore.
But much like the conversation you have in 3rd grade with your friend’s antagonistic older brother who tells you that Santa isn’t real just to be a jerk; here’s the true story. SQUIRRELS DID THIS. There used to be a bag around these briquets of charcoal. A bag that said KINGSFORD CHARCOAL. One morning these briquets were in a bag, the next morning, the bag was gone. We live in the city, so we’re aware that people may or may not loot products that aren’t chained, locked or bolted. But squirrels? They are the true thieves!?! What a disappointment. Santa, you seem to handle misfit animals pretty well. I think these squirrels need a life lesson. Give Rudolph, Prancer, Dasher and the crew a break and whip these tree-hopping rodents into shape. They’re not only looting my charcoal bag, but my damn holiday spirit.
