The holidays come every year and every year we’re daunted by the same task of finding the perfect gift for someone. Mind you, this is not always the situation. There are people you know who would really appreciate a gift and for them, you’re excited to shop. It’s the “shopping season” that drives me to my next point.
I don’t mean to get religious here, but even baby Jesus would be pissed. After the 3 wisemen gave him gifts, baby Jesus was probably thinking, “dudes, you already missed the point. I’m the son of God. Not really interested in Target Gift Cards.”
Where did the wisemen get their gifts? I wonder about their experience. Were they originally going to buy Jesus a blanket since he WAS sleeping in a manger (appropriate thought) and then got “upsold” to frankincense, all the while thinking, “What’s a baby going to do with this?” I know, Wise Man, I know. Makes you think that you’re not living up to your name doesn’t it? Thus the dawn of gift-giving-anxiety begins:
Wiseman 1: Yeah, the merchant said it’s really nice stuff
Mary: Thank you, no, no, I mean it’s great
Wiseman 1: All the baby deities are wearing it
Joseph: Well it’s the thought that counts
Wiseman 1: What’s that supposed to mean?
Wiseman 2 (to Wiseman 1): I thought we agreed after the last baby shower no more scents!
Wiseman 1: Well what did you bring?
Wiseman 2: Gold
Wiseman 1: Oh just great. Now I look like a cheap ass.
Wiseman 3: I yearn for a child of my own one day. Why can’t men get married?
Sometimes I wonder if Jesus, while teething on his brick of gold was thinking, “Hmmm, I just really want someone to hold me right now.” Did the 3 wisemen ever hold baby Jesus? Were they so ticked from their poor frankincense purchase experience that they just dropped off their gifts and followed the next star that they saw? Was that star Paris Hilton? She’s really old then. But then again, she was old after 5 minutes on camera.
I digress while simultaneously transcending into my final point: take the power back fellow consumers. Don’t contribute to a practice that is built to screw you. And find out what’s really important in the next 2 weeks before Christmas is over and we all go back to our seasonal depression. Don’t buy crap you don’t need. No one cares how your purchases work after you’re signed up for this contract of consumerized doom. Take this is a warning or take this as The Bridge’s way of convincing herself to stop buying crap she doesn’t need. Because what we DON’T need is another 10 minutes on hold waiting for someone to fix something their company screwed up. I think I just need a strong advocate:
“Can I speak with your manager please? My account number? How about this, 1225, my name, Jesus Christ… sure I’ll hold.”
