“Can I help you find something, Miss?”
“Yes, you can. I’m looking for these nipple strips that help test your alcohol level for safety.”
“Oh, those just came in. Right this way.”
Would you believe me if I said that this conversation happened at a Babies R Us? What you have just witnessed, my friends, is a quest for the best baby shower gift ever – a home test to screen alcohol levels in breast milk…. and wine.
Below is the product:
"We have skim, 2% and alcohol-free breast milk."
The idea came after a conversation with my friend who said, “I can’t wait to get this baby out of me. Once I push him out, I’m going to turn to the side and say ‘Beer me, doc.’” True story. She’s funny – she should have a blog.
Because it’s a baby shower, does that mean you necessarily need to get something for the baby? What about stuff for the new mom? I may not know jack about raising babies, but I know a little bit about adult needs – they usually require booze. Especially when that adult is a teacher who deals with punks all day long and now will have to raise one of her own to be like the exact opposite of the children whose minds she is trying to shape. I love kids whose parents are teachers. They usually have their act together. Mom and dad deal with enough lame excuses at school that their tolerance for excuses at home is at an all-time low. Word.
So while older women knit beautiful blankets and wealthier women buy play pens and primo-stiched crib covers, I bought a bottle of Red Truck and nipple strips.
And to quell the anxiety that the non-mother-baby-shower attendee experiences during these things (what if I don’t want to have kids? Does that make me a bad person? Will my friends with babies begin to loose touch? Dear God, will they expect me to babysit? Can I get a crib like that for my dog?), we jazzed it up with a sweet cake too.
I asked my old DQ boss where my friend and I used to work – thus establishing our eternal friendship bond – to make this cake. I said, “Can you draw a woman on there with a bump on her stomach to make it look like, you know, she’s pregnant?” He says, “So you want a lump on the cake?” I said yes. This is what he thought I meant. I need to get better at giving instructions. So the snowball “Birth Control Fail” cake was a hit. Even the babe liked it.
"You can't see it, but I'm giving a thumbs up. Hey what time is checkout again? It's getting a little cramped in here."
So there you have it folks. The Bridge is not a traditional gift-giver or party-goer. But I always have the best of intentions to give the Best Gift Ever.
