When you sit at your computer for 45 minutes trying to come up with something to say, I say this. Start a list. My list tonight: The Bridge’s Top 5 Guilty Pleasures.
1.) Watching the Singer Songwriter infomercial over and over … and over again
After a long night of drinking in college, most people would stumble home to pass out on their floor. I, on the other hand, stumbled home, made popcorn and watched Time Life’s Singers Songwriter infomercial ad nauseum. It was nostalgic for me, listening to Jim Croce, James Taylor and Carly Simon. It was a good place for me to go after spending an evening pretending to like whatever crap hip hop was playing for the coked-up frat boys with their frosted tips at the Union. DMX had something right, they were all going to make me lose my mind. Up in here. Up in here. And perhaps I even did act a fool, up in here. Up in here. But it was Jim Croce that brought me back. Time Life’s infomercial was my operator that had helped me play that song. Cause those DMX songs made me old and jaded. Isn’t that the way that hip hop goes? Oh let’s forget all that. And give me the popcorn and asprin baby, so I can drunk dial this guy just to shoooow, that I am drunk and slow. Let’s stop now before I move onto Steamroller.
2.) I like not liking sports.
"Nice 3-pointer, man!"
These guys have been all over the news. I heard it’s kind of a big deal. Did they win or didn’t they win? Either way, I still have to get up and go to work in the morning. God knows this game ain’t changing that.
3.) I love tuna casserole.
Just stick your hands in it.
It’s very retro, it’s mostly processed and it’s all… going to be consumed by me. If I had a deep freezer, Ada would be so proud of me. I would bake and bake and freeze and freeze and every Monday night come home to my husband and say, “What shall we eat?” At which point, I’d cock my head to a non-existent camera, wink and say, “I think I have an idea!” And then put on an apron to heat up that palatable delight in the microwave. Cause us housewives, that’s what we do. Or that’s what other housewives do. I’m not a housewife. I could be an apartmentwife. Condowife, maybe? Townhousewife? Doublewidewife? Ooo, yeah, no. Plus I’d have to quit my job in order to fully accomplish any of the aforementioned titles.
4.) While we’re on the topic of eating, I love green beans. And not that fresh stuff. I love green bean out of a can. And I will open a can and just eat them. Sir Opti is horrified by this and slightly jealous of the attention to which I give these bountiful beans.
I may look green, but the envy is all yours.
Oh god. Someone get me off this topic before I start emotionally eating.
5.) The Neverending Story is a movie of which I can quote almost entirely.
Neverending. AlwaysAwesome.
I’m a bit of a snob about it too. I always get this line when I bring up the movie, “Oh is that the one with that dog-like-thing that flies with scales?” Um, his name is FALKOR?? I used to take this necklace that came free with a diary I got from Hallmark and wear it on my head right over my forehead. I pretended I was the princess and would randomly yell, “Bastian!” I lived in a pretend world too, Bastian. “These BOOKS are not for CHILDREN!” And when Bastian defied the store keeper, stole the book and ate his Granny Smith apple and peanut butter and jelly sandwich in the school’s attic, I felt akin to him. I would have done the same thing. Except, left before dark because my mother did a wonderful job of instilling fear in me that I would be kidnapped in “broad daylight, Bridge. They will TAKE you.” Which always confused me because my sisters seem to remind me that no one would ever want me. This was the look I gave them:
Why do you suck?
Moving on, The Neverending Story is something I can never stop quoting.
There you have it friends, The Bridge’s Top 5 Guilty Pleasures. I hope you have been inspired to share some of yours – guilt free.
